Twisting Ourselves in Knots to Prove We Can Do It...

Have you ever heard of the "One Bullet Theory?"

The other night, I was washing dishes with a documentary on the assassination of President Kennedy playing in the background. They were talking about the myriads of theories that we've all heard before, but something stood out to me. I knew about the "One Bullet Theory" proposed by Senator Arlen Spector. Still, I had never really thought about the gymnastics this bullet would have had to perform to kill the President and severely injure Governor John Connally. One gentleman who had first-hand knowledge of the whole situation said that the Senator twisted himself in knots to prove this unlikely theory for the rest of his life.

That statement hit me like a brick wall. So, I wrote it down. I was sure this applied to my life, but I would know even more a few days later.

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I have been working with doctors and such to figure out the whirl of my body and why it has taken such a hard turn. On top of that, I love being a student, but it is VERY hard to do it full-time. My hormones are whacky, my nervous system is a train wreck, depression is creeping in again, my body doesn't feel good, and I am experiencing manic swings like I haven't in a very long time.

At the same time, the Lord has been tapping on my heart about being a better steward of everything: Time, money, energy, relationships, emotions...everything.

As I was leaving Church the other day, I cried out, telling God that I didn't know how I was going to be able to do all the things that were in front of me. When I got home, I was rehearsing my thoughts out loud. My poor, precious husband had to listen, but when I finished, with a sweet gentleness, he said...

"I need you to slow down. After this semester, I need you to drop back to 4 classes instead of 6. I need you to be ok with graduating later than you planned. I need you to trust God's provision and stop trying to rush through this. Take your time and enjoy the work God has put in front of you."

OOOHHH BOOYY...I felt the flair of pride and defensiveness in my chest. How could he ask that of me?! He must not see how able I am!!! Insert laughing face emojis here!! The truth is that he is very proud of me, and he sees how terribly worn I am. My pride was the problem!!!

First, the Holy Spirit reminded me that defensiveness is the laziest response.

Then, He started to show me my heart...

What I had expected when I cried out was that God would make me feel better...to make me able to do what I had planned to do, but what He did was show me that I have been trying to prove that I can do this...that Satan has tempted me. I have twisted myself in knots to establish an identity that I have created.

We have made it a habit to read the book of Luke every December—one chapter per day from the first through Christmas Eve. I have come to love this tradition, but I am even more blessed because of how necessary it was to be in Luke 4 the day after the Lord spoke to me.

Luke 4 is where Jesus is in the wilderness for forty days, being tempted by Satan. It is incredible to me how Jesus doesn't fight. He doesn't scramble to overcome...He just used God's Word.

As I continued to study, I ran across this quote...

"Pride is the devil's weapon. Temptation is often a challenge to your identity

to prove who you are. Don't bite that bait."

That hit me like that wall of bricks I mentioned before, but with the scripture surrounding it, it gave me the tremendous blessing of peace. Jesus didn't try to prove a thing. He did not twist Himself in knots to prove that He was the King who came to save. He didn't take Satan's bait because He knew He didn't have to. Even when Satan also tried to use Scripture...Jesus simply responded with more of God's Words. I am positive He was exhausted and physically overwhelmed, but His heart was sure because the Word of God was hidden in it.

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Friends, I am nobody to tell you how to lay down the scramble in your life, but I am here to hold hands with you as you recognize the gymnastics you are performing to build the identity you thought you had to. Together, we are seeing our twisted knots and learning that we don't have to keep proving they are a part of our identity. We have taken the bait of busyness and title...

Now is the time to do as Jesus did and use the Father's Word.

The question is not, do you know it...Satan knew it.

The question is...is it hidden in your heart?

Do you believe it?

Have you made yourself available to God only?

"Jesus answered [Satan], it is written, 'you should worship the Lord, your God,

and him only shall you serve.'" Luke 4:8